For many, the holiday season is a time of celebration, warmth, and connection. But for someone experiencing grief, this time of year can magnify the ache of loss and bring waves of sadness, anxiety, or even numbness. If the loss is recent, you might also be dealing with shock. The familiar sights and sounds meant to evoke joy can instead serve as reminders of what, or who, is missing. If you’re finding it hard to face the holidays this year, it’s okay to approach this time with gentleness and intention.
The words of the poet, Ullie-Kaye, describe the depths of grief we can experience with such clarity.
this grief.
“and for the first time, i do not know what it is that i am holding onto. were it anger, i would not feel like these tears could fill up every sea with their salt-stained emotion. were it sadness, i would not feel like i was overflowing with the rage of a thousand wild and uncaged horses. were it fear, i would not feel like i could make the earth tremble by the strength of my own, sheer willpower to keep on fighting. so what is it then, this grief? so enormous that it can only be defined by both the absolute absence and the absolute presence of love itself.”
Creating Space for Grief
Holidays often come with expectations of joy, connection, and togetherness. But grief doesn’t follow a holiday schedule, and it’s important to honor where you are. Give yourself permission to feel whatever arises: sadness, anger, longing, or even moments of peace. Creating space for these emotions can look different for everyone.
“The first holiday season without my mother was devastating. It seemed like there was no point in celebrating. It was November 2020 in the thick of COVID. We couldn’t even have a proper funeral. Our Thanksgiving dinner was in the garage because we still didn’t know much about COVID and distancing and by the time Christmas came, it just seemed unbearable to have it without her. There seemed to be no point in decorating or celebrating. My mom was the glue that held us all together. We tried to carry on traditions. My sisters did the stockings that my mom usually did. We mostly sat around in disbelief that our mom was no longer with us. It was very distressing. Family members would begin to cry and everyone tried to comfort each other. We tried to attend to one another as best we could. But we are all so different and grieved so differently. There were kind neighbors, friends, supportive texts and phone calls, but at the end of the day, she was gone and there was nothing to do about it. It has been 4 years and while I have gotten used to her not being here, it will never quite by the same. Thankfully, we have many years of memories and picture and joyful moments to look back on.” – Natalie
Prioritizing Self-Care and Nervous System Regulation
Grief can be overwhelming, activating the body’s stress response and leaving you feeling anxious, restless, or stuck in a fog. When this happens, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and find tools to help you regulate your nervous system.
That’s where Bi-Tapp comes in. Bi-Tapp is a wearable bilateral stimulation (BLS) device designed to calm the body and mind by applying gentle, rhythmic pulses. This quiet, unobtrusive bilateral tapping helps regulate the nervous system, restoring a sense of calm and reducing the grip of anxiety, stress, or even the fatigue that comes with grief. Unlike other calming techniques that may not be possible in the midst of a gathering or while driving, Bi-Tapp offers discreet, hands-free support whenever you need it most.
Melanie, who experienced the tragic loss of her husband stated: “I felt triggered almost constantly, so I kept the tappers with me. There was no way I could have taken in any information in the beginning, so the tappers really helped me feel calmer. I would push the button on one of the tappers to start the tapping whenever I needed that help to feel calmer. The tappers took away that panicked feeling. Even to this day, I keep the tappers in my purse because I never know when I will be triggered or sad. Sometimes, just hearing a song will devastate me or seeing something that reminds me of him. I know I will always miss him but I feel like I can move through those tough times better with tappers. I don’t feel stuck in those difficult moments, which most of the time, come unexpectedly.”
Leaning on Your Community
Grief can be isolating, but connecting with others can bring comfort and support. If it feels right, reach out to friends or family. Share stories, engage in shared activities, or simply spend time together without the pressure of forced joy.
the antidote.
“the best medicine you can bring for sadness is not joy. it is not telling them that they need to move on or get over it or realize how much worse things could be. no. the medicine for a spirit in mourning is tenderness. and warmth. and compassion. and connection. and presence. sit with someone in their grief and let them cry their ugly tears. do not shine and scurry grief away. they must walk through it. this is love. to abandon all that we think we know and be so full of grace that we are invited in to partake in someone else’s darkest moments. what an honor it is to simply be a light. the antidote for sadness is love. it is always love.” – ullie-kaye
Tools and Rituals to Support You
In addition to Bi-Tapp, there are many tools and practices that can offer support during difficult moments:
- Guided Breathing: Deep breathing can help you ground yourself when emotions run high.
- Mindfulness and Meditation: Even brief moments of mindfulness can bring a sense of peace and clarity.
- Creative Outlets: Art, music, and writing can be powerful ways to process grief.
- Movement: Gentle movement, like walking, stretching, or yoga, can help release stored tension.
Consider integrating Bi-Tapp with these practices. For example, hold or wear the tappers while taking a deep focused breath or while engaging in a mindfulness exercise. You can use the tappers anytime you need to during challenging moments at holiday events.
- Gratitude: “The thing that helped me the most in all this grief; even when it’s not the pain that comes with the holidays, is staying in a state of gratitude. At first, it is hard to be grateful when you are experiencing such intense shock, trauma, loss and grief. When you are wondering how you could hurt this bad and your heart be still beating. When those powerful waves of all consuming grief hit, start listing all you are grateful for. I lost my daughter to suicide 18 months ago. I might not have got to spend the rest of my life with her, but she got to spend the rest of her life with me. I’m grateful I’m her mother. I’m grateful I got her for almost 20 years. As horrific as this has been, I would do it all over again just to be her mom. I am grateful she trusted me to be her mom. I’m grateful I got to be on this journey with her. I am grateful when I feel her presence and know she is still here. She is mine. I am grateful. Grief looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But I have found that listing all that I am grateful for really helps with all these shattered pieces of my heart, body and soul that I am trying to put back together. I will never be the same person. Grief is the price you pay for love. I am grateful.” -Misty
Compassionate Reminders for the Season
As you move through the holidays, remember:
- It’s okay to say no to events or traditions that feel too hard.
- You don’t have to force yourself to feel joy; whatever you’re feeling is valid.
- Moments of peace and calm are possible, even in the depths of grief.
Grief during the holidays can be incredibly painful, but with the right tools and support, you can find moments of calm amidst the storm. Bi-Tapp is here to help you feel grounded, regulate your emotions, and carry your grief more gently. As you navigate this season, may you find the compassion and strength you need to move through it, one tap at a time.
References:
Ullie-Kaye, “this grief”. Fires. 2024
Ullie-Kaye, “the antidote”. Joy Trickles In. 2024
